I got an email this week that made me cry. And not because it was super sweet (which it was). It made me cry because my friend Delia was asking how I manage ‘have it all’ (balance the duties of keeping house, parenting, blogging/crafting, being a friend and making time for me) and I am failing so miserably at all of those things lately.
In fact, I got the email right after I finished telling Adam, “I feel like I am failing at EVERYTHING. I can’t seem to juggle our house(s), our kids, our friends and the blog. Whenever I take time to get one right, the others fall to pieces. And right now, I feel like they are all falling to pieces.” Ironic timing, Delia’s email.
I am sorry if I ever give the impression that everything is always rosy here in kojo-land.
Friends, it is not.
-I wear yoga pants and a t-shirt every day, with my hair in a pony tail and no makeup on my face. If you see me and I am wearing a dress (or even jeans!)/makeup/my hair is down, know that you are the exception not the rule.
-I don’t cook. Unless it is a freezer crockpot meal that I made a month ago (thank goodness for those).
-Burke is in rough shape right now, behavior-wise. That kid needs stability and routine and this two-houses, bedtime-at-different-places, constant-shuttling (and working) is rough on him. And his attitude and fits are rough on me. It’s just rough all around.
-I haven’t used my sewing machine in weeks (since the Halloween costumes, actually). I have some projects swirling around in my head (one that needs to be started STAT so that I can finish it up before Trish’s baby shower in a couple weeks), but unless you count sanding or painting wood floors as creativity, I am in the middle of a hand-made hiatus.
-My grandfather passed away last week and I find myself crying at random times. Yesterday, I cried for over an hour at the thought of selling his house. I know that grieving is a natural, normal thing, but the roller coaster of tears makes me feel even more unstable.
Now, here’s the deal. It is c.r.a.z.y.t.o.w.n. around here right now, much more chaotic than usual. However, in my real everyday life, without two houses or remodeling craziness, when I get a normal amount of sleep, when there isn’t anything going on with my family, and without extenuating circumstances, I still do not have it all together.
If the blog is full of great new projects every day, my house is probably a mess. If I am rocking at mama-hood, my time to check in with friends seems to dwindle. And if my house is spic and span, my kids are either in one of those great play-well-together stages, or watching too much Word World. Even ‘balance’ just means having most areas (family, friends, house, blog) humming along at around 80%.
Don’t get me wrong- I love my life and wouldn’t trade it for the world (most days). It’s just that Having It All is unattainable for now and perhaps unattainable for always. And that’s ok with me.
ps- If you have any tips for making life feel stable for kids when it isn’t, I’m all ears. Actually, if you have get-it-together tips in general, I’m game. And if you don’t have it together either, high five- at least we’re in this together.